| Will The Future Blame Us |
[Apr. 9th, 2006|10:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
Did you ever wonder who first had the idea to conflict, rebel against an idea? Who could it have been that sat done and said I could make life easier, I could make it better for everyone? Innovation and creation killed peace. Everyone has become so dependant on these things that we take for granted, like cell phones, computers and televisions. Try and think of a time when there was no electricity, there were no guns, no cars, no ugly metallic buildings, gray roads all over. Can you actually imagine the world being more natural than what we've come accustom to? I'm not saying that genius is a curse or that ambition is an illness but think about if people could have just settled for the way things were when they were just okay. One problem that will forever be with us is war. There will always be someone who is wronged because someone things they should think the way they do or that they should have something and you shouldn't, its just human nature. Why can't we just be happy with what we have and what we are and what others are? Instead the worlds people had to keep sizing each other up from bows to swords to guns to bombs and now THE BOMB. Everything the generations before us have done to better our lives, not just weapons, and things that we have created for a better life for us now and the generations after us are just regrets that we all have to live with when we die because we leave this world, generation to generation, in worse condition than it was. No one is doing anything to change it. You can wage war and talk about what you could do but no one ever does it. A few people like John Lennon and now Bono come along and they have the right idea but their voices are mute compared to the gun fire and the hate the circles this globe.
Its assume that I will have to leave this world to my sons and daughters in the condition it is because those in power, those who have the know how, miss used it. For the next generation I think we should treat birthdays 1 through 18 like true anniversaries (like the golden anniversary or diamond) except we can say "Happy First Birthday, here's our national debt or happy 12th birthday, here's a never ending conflict over nothing.
How great would this world still be if we lived in cabins heated by fire, made of actual trees, where we raised a family and farmed. What if down the dirt path there were small markets where we could barter our trade with another persons and where ever else we looked we say green fields and blue sky not tainted by roads and disgusting towers of metal ruining the infinite sky. And what ever happened to the stars you can't even look up and see very far in many places. That dam light we depend on at night, I want to see the stars.
Sure there would still be things to worry about, crooks and battle but never the worry that the world could go up in a nuclear cloud with the push of one red button.
Some days I wonder if I really want to bring new life into this dying world but than I know its my duty to. Maybe I can teach one of them to change the world. Question is will they blame us, will they be bitter at what we left them? Is there really any turning back or just a few powerless dreamers left. One day I would like to wake up and be in this time I dream of. Just one day. I wish that day for everyone...a simple life. |
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| It's gonna be alright |
[Mar. 15th, 2006|07:55 pm] |
I think people do things for the best for other people and are real when they do it. Its sad how some people will act to this though. You have to look at it from their point of view. They are doing what they believe is best for them and when someone from the outside tries to change it, they go on the offensive. It can be some advice on dating or on a life choice we make but it almost always goes ugly for a time.
The thing that we should focus on is that it's gonna be alright in the end. Ties between the two parties may be cut but all isn't lost. Both parties at one point will say that they don't even care but everyone you know cares about your opinion, if they didn't they would never bitch at you. Ignoring people is worse than bitching, no aknowlegdement is the worst.
Life and Death is harder to deal in than anything. If you fear for someones life because of a life they chose than decisions you make are more unpredictable than before. If you let them go they might self-destruct but if you help they may self-destruct anyway, just later than before or maybe sooner. The worst thing to do is nothing. Helping shows people they are cared about.
Life is all about helping each other, whether it is intentional or not. I think all that people really need in the end is knowing that somewhere along the way someone cared enough to get in the way of the stupid things we all get or will get ourselves into and that it didn't matter that we were jerks and lost a friendship or love but that they sacrificed that for a better life for us. We can't make ourselves feel bad because life's about moments and we have to measure it like that and for a few moments, whether its at the end for those we try to save or at the beginning of a new life we have to know that in those few moments we are thanked for what we did, whether we've grown apart or not. It would be nice if rescue missions like intervention for a falling friend had a middle man because as much as we can say we are okay with how things turned out, it would be a lot better if one day the door bell rings and a man or woman would come in the door and tell you that everything worked out, that all the people we tried to be heroes to are better off now, in life or in death.
Heroes are not people who save the day, moment after moment. Heroes are people who try their best day after day and when they fail, they get up the next day and do it all again because they know, in the end, it's gonna be alright... |
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| Love of my Life |
[Feb. 22nd, 2006|12:39 am] |
Too much estrogen is bad. Especially when the room is packed with it and Rent is on teh television.
Guess its not all bad, just scared for the love of my life. She goes in for her biopsy tomorrow. Its scary because I have no right to pray since I spend most of my time doubting in its ability to help at all. I know I haven't had it as bad as most but I have had my rough patches and I will stand by the belief I have that God owes me. I found her, the one and I don't want her to go through life worrying about what she puts me through. I love her and I would go through anything for her. I just wish I didn't have to go through things like this for her sake. I use to prepare myself for situations like this in my mind but I never thought that one of them might happen. I want to be in the room with her an hold her hand. I'd take her place if I could. All I can do really is be there for her every step after, no matter what. Should be easy, its what I've been planning on anyway. I'd never let her go. I love you Carrie Elizabeth Payne and I have, will be and always will be thinking of you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 18th, 2006|09:59 pm] |
Its amazing how so many events of different calibur can occur in the wondow of a few months. Things that touch us to the very core that can be the clouds to our sun or the sun to our rainy days and no matter how much we hate to admit it, we are one or the other in someone elses eyes. I have people who make me happy:
For my birthday I spent the day with Carrie and her family. Me, Carrie, her brother Jason and sister Kayla played games all day, watched Lord of the Rings and took a long walk, in the cold, to a place that wasn't even there. Later I had a great dinner and wonderful Birthday cake. It was the perfect day. Everything that I do with her makes me more sure that I want to be with her.
I have had people make me sad or aggrevated or, well the list goes on but we will call all of them the Negatives:
It's not so much that people intensionally hurt others but it does happen. A person who adores another from the background is hurt by that person but nothing is intentional.
The problem really is lack of communication. If someone doesn't know about things that are on others minds they might not be able to help but be insensative.
I have witness a difficult hurt. The kind of hurt that ends friendships if only to salvage the lives within it. Its a long process of pain, stress, tears and it will only get worse if there isn't one person to stand up and express feelings. Even if they are negative and resolve the problem on a bad note, its at least resolved. Its like a bad song. No note is right and nobody really wants to hear it and when that very last, horrible note rings in your ears, you give a sigh of relief and you never have to listen to it again.
I can agree, however, that there is a time to be selfish, when enough is enough and you just have to be numb. I've felt it before and its hards to decide to give up on someone because we all hope that someday when its too hard, that there will be a person who won't give up on us.
On a childish note, I am happy to report that I have just pre-ordered Lord of the Rings: The Battle for Middle-Earth II, that comes out at the end of the month. I play the orignal with my bro whenever we get a moment. Its our way of hanging out since we are both away at school. Its nice to have an escape like that when things get to stressful, tense and unbearable.
Well to leave on this note is not meant to be a bad one but take it as you will. Pettiness will be the killer of man in the end. Not the physical but emotional. There are things in this world that only open the door to the negativity, that only exposes our lives to a spec of pain and while some let it slip through them, there are those who would hold onto it for too long. Its a god dam shame because there are those who get the door blown off and have to deal with more than these little arguments we tend to blow up to bigger than what they are. I think we should sit back and evaluate situations more to see if they are worth the precious few moments we have here, to see if we can handle the possible reprecautions and when life is cut short for the unlucky ones we need to cherish time more and realize we are that much more lucky. Its hard but if you want to get involved in anything, you give up your right to be selfish. Don't get involved if you aren't prepared to shed tears, feel the pain, and stress and tension. Pick your fights and you'll live to be a lot happier longer.
I love all my friends and family. |
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| Self-Destruction |
[Jan. 21st, 2006|02:18 pm] |
I can never understand my own actions. I have been in an increible relationship with an even more incredible girl and yet there is something in my system that yerns to find something wrong with it. It's not that I want there to be anything wrong with it but I feel like there should be. I think its human nature to suspect flaw and wrong when something seems so right, like a dream. I did that last night and I panicked when I couldn't find anything wrong and i became grumpy. To try and destroy some so wonderful with childish trivialities is something that I'm not doing anymore. I love Carrie Elizabeth Payne and I won't let the little things come between that. She is everything that I have been looking for and more. I would be a fool to drive myself away. It's like the song says, "..with all your faults, I love you still." Though they aren't faults, just differences but I can deal. It's worth it to see every smile, every look, the feeling of holding her tight and all those emotions that make anything worthwhile.
SO if you catch yourself doing this stop. Its alright to be happy, things can go right. Thats when you can relax and enjoy life. |
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| The New Year |
[Jan. 5th, 2006|10:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Haptastic | ] |
This year has been the best yet. I was so happy that this New Year's I had someone to kiss and when I woke up the next morning, I had someone to be looking back at me.
We picked Carrie up saturday and she left last night. It was so lonely in bed last night I wanted to cry but instead I did some thinking. Its been two months since we started dating. Pretty quick but to me its seems like it should be me, meaning that it feels like we've been through a lot already. This is good considering I was scared before we started this relationship. I have always been afraid that I would have some short comings when a good relationship came my way.
When my feelings for Carrie first came up I was afraid about our pasts, this was about a year ago but I never brought it up, it just kinda all came out. I am always scared that something I hear might scare me away from something and vice versa but this is different. I knew there would be some mystery and everytime I hear things from her I take it more as I'm learning about her than the content of what she says. I'm not saying I don't listen, I listen to every word she says. My point is that Everytime I learn something I am more assured that this relationship is what I've been looking for for so long. I realized this a few weeks ago when Carrie was doing some work for finals week and I was laying down trying to sleep. I was looking at her and gave a sigh of relief, that I was finally happy, almost started crying and just smiled. That's when I knew I was fianlly happy with life as it was going.
Well thats it for my new year, and here's to the next. Hope everyone had fun and I will see you all in like two weeks. |
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| Just remember... |
[Dec. 21st, 2005|01:49 am] |
This week a family whom I didn't know lost everything in a fire. The fire alarm barely woke them up before their house went up in smoke. Photos, clothing, appliances, christmas presents; nothing was saved. THe town is pulling together to give them what they could. A local trailer park gave them a house for free and friends of the family are pulling together to pick them up, dust them off and get them back on track but what a horrible Christmas Season story.
I tell you this story because the minute I heard I started to think about all the things I have; my family, a roof over my head, a girlfriend I love to death. This made me feel guilty but I think its only because I take these and so many other things for granted. This CHristmas don't feel guilty if you hear a story like this or experience one in your town. Just cherish what you have and do what you can, if you can do anything at all.
I hope everyone has a safe and Happy Holidays. Be safe and I'll see most of you back at NU in January. |
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| End of the Year |
[Dec. 7th, 2005|01:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Happy Chrismahannakwanzaca | ] |
It’s funny really. Today I saw someone I haven’t talked to in sometime, still didn’t talk today and I don’t know if we will again. Makes me afraid to think that if something once meant so much to me and than means nothing at all, how do I know when life will take it out. I guess the real trick is looking past that fear. Fear sometimes keeps us from things that we truly want, that fear sinks in and we convince ourselves that it’s better not to have it, get use to it than lose it but its true that it’s better to love and lose than never to have loved at all. These things that I question if I really cared about I know I did and I’m a better person for having them come through my life. In truth I have to cherish all of them because that course of action led me to Carrie. I think of Carrie and compare her to other experiences that I have had and it’s different. Maybe that’s it though; maybe each event in our life sends us a slight difference and if it’s right we can feel that difference. I can’t say I don’t miss the past from time to time, its part of me but its more because the more I look at it the more I think of how absolutely blessed and happy I am when I hold Carrie.
Soon another semester will pass. People will be going their own ways, some will get ready for the last step into the real world and those who still have a little time until their leap will sit and watch, hoping the best for those who move on, whether they will keep in touch or not.
Christmas is on its way and I am excited that this year I have someone to miss and someone to buy a gift for. Unfortunately, I have no money so we decided on a gift that has a lot more emotional value than monetary. Something that we can both look at when we miss each other this break and feel better knowing that we are there with the other. I do plan on visiting her over break though, whether the fam likes it or not, not that they would for the reasoning but about the weather.
Well that’s it for me I’m out. Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kwanza or what ever you celebrate or don’t. I’ll see you all after the New Years if not before next Friday. |
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| WIshin Waitin WIshin |
[Dec. 7th, 2005|11:29 am] |
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I've been thinking a lot lately and my thoughts aren't complete yet but in the next few days I'll have something to say. I know I haven't written anything in a while but I'm still. |
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| How It's Gonna Be |
[Nov. 4th, 2005|12:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Very Tequila | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Stereofuse - Everything | ] |
I've realized lately that I had a slight God complex. I wanted (and yes I will now talk in the past tense and will explain why soon)to love everyone, do what I could for everyone to make them happy and realized that I was spreading myself so thin I had nothing left to keep for myself. Maybe thats why my ex broke up with me but thats in the past, the part I won't go back to. I can't and refuse to go out of my way to do everything, love everyone and make everyone happy. I am not God and I don't want to be. I was arrogant to believe I could do what I set out to do. My life right now, it's where I want it to be. The past week I had the pleasure of waking up next to this extraordinarily gorgeous girl and looking into her eyes I realized that I was happy there with her. If I had kept with the way I was, my God complex, I would have never realized that she was some where I wanted to be. So from now on I'm gonna do what makes me happy, with consideration to everyone else, I'm gonna love but concentrate it on where I want it to go, keeping the love I have for everyone else I know but giving more to where I want it to go and do the things that matter most instead of everything. This doesn't mean I'm cutting myself off from everyone but I need this for me and I suggest everyone else do the same for themselves. I'm sorry but I'm doing whats right for me right now, if this upsets any of you I'm sorry but I'm happy with where I am and where my heart is. Be happy for me |
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